This tittle would be easier to apply when i had all those status. The status of a working woman from X company or the one that written in my business card. It was so much easier because i was attached to those status until i become a mother and a housewife. Believe me, it is so hhhhhaaaaard to apply these days, in fact this is my battle every single day, each single minute and each inch of my step. Too exagerated you think? Well, maybe if you were in my shoes, you would understand
A week ago, i did an extremeley abusive parenting to Gla, this is not the first time i did this, but this one was a huge slapt and shocking my heart so deeply that finally brought this tittle arose between me, myself, i, and Gilles. I knew i can’t do this anymore, it will leave her a deep wound and scars in her mind and heart. For days and days, i was slumped, hating myself, not even want to try to crawl up, instead i kept pushing myself down, deeper to the dark hole. This was scary situation, either for me and for my family because mother is a central of a family. Gilles tried to be completely sane to talk to me and held my hand. I take my time to comeback on the ground (even until now, that’s why i decide to write this post. They said to admit the wound is a halfway healed). In this kinda situation, this tittle resonates my heart, it wasn’t easy to love myself again after what i did to Gla, and not only this, but also to little things i did to her that sometimes break her heart like yelling, shouting, and calling her name in high tone. There is no pain such seeing your lil girl crying because of what you did to her, moreover if it will stay in her unconscious mind for forever maybe…until she heals herself.
I knew, i’m not a perfect mother, i did many unkind things to her but it doesn’t mean i’m a bad mother/person. And yes, i said this to her.. i also asked apologize from her. There were times she took her time to see me again and forgive me, and i can understand that. At this difficult time, i’m grateful i have someone like Gilles who would explain to her that abusive parenting i did is NOT RIGHT thing to do, whatever the reason. If you are in the same situation like me, make sure there is other adult who could explain to your little one this kind of thing. It is important that she/he doesn’t feel guilty of what has happened, that she isn’t the cause, and that home will still be a secure place for her to live in.
It needs a courage for me to write this. But if i don’t have courage to admit this, forever i will deny this side in myself and i don’t wan’t it. I know, i have made a big mistake, i realize it. Lately i am listening more my anger instead of responding it, and the more i listen to my anger, i understand where does this rooting in myself. Giving a little more time to myself for listening it, in fact giving me more time to… breath. And by breathing, letting myself inhale… and exhale… the air through my nasals, i become less reactive. I’m not a mindfulness Guru, but these are what i read from mindful practice along with the parenting book. There is one red line between these two genres, that ourselves are always connected to our childhood, how our parents raised us, our fear, trauma, how we grew up in a society, etc, and all recorded under our unconscious mind. Our kids, somehow know which button in their parents to be pushed to activate this memory. It’s like forgotten hieroglyphics but suddenly when our kids push this button, immediately we could decode it, in a blitz….
Every parents, every mother, i think deserve a restart button, to restart themselves. I have written down in my journal how i was raised, what were my fears and traumas, limiting belief and obstacles from a kid to adult, then i also wrote down how Gilles and i want to raise our kids. This somehow has given us opprtunity to explore ourselves. I’m a believer that each of us need a little time to sit in silent, to be able to listen to theirselves, to be brave to open their wound and to heal it.. then finally to let it go and detach from expectation and result..either as a parents and as an unique individual
Then, How to Fall in Love (again) with Yourself ?
I simply write down in my journal, not about what i feel but more on amazing things i have in myself (first). I will sit in silent every morning, just to adore myself, complimenting how wonderful i am and how life has brought me each day into a new level of understanding myself. I might fail in one thing but it doen’t stop me from being a good person/mother. I will look at myself in the mirror and saying that i am enough to be loved today and forever, that whatever will happen today i am ready to listen and take the lesson. That i might not be flawless but i deserve to be listened by myself. You see? this is all about connection between you and yourself.. to reconnect to yourself and realize that we’re all bornt unique and special. So, wipe your tears whenever you are ready, moms.. and sow in yourself first a big love, water it everyday, and let it root deep down into your soul and let it grow